out of context LJ post 1

[dear live journal]

RE: The Ex

god you suck. you proved again that if given the chance you will blame me for making you look like the bitch. no you see, you are a bitch. you suck for putting me in a position that you know was not completely easy to pull off and now I feel like shit for failing - for not trying hard enough. I wasn't even five miles away from your new marble floors, dual stainless steel oven ranges, and the pure bred labs running around your pool when you called to yell and threaten to deny what means the most to me...again.

"You do realize I live in an apartment?" (I was asked to create an unreasonable amount of noise for my little place. vague on purpose. One noise complaint was enough) "Maybe with a little warning and I could've arranged something. Maybe."

"Warning?!? You don't deserve a warning. If you can't make sure something is supposed to happen...(blah blah) make a lot of noise (blah blah).

(blah blah = me thinking: really? no really? you're going to give me shit for this?)

I paused for a minute. "You act like this a consistent problem," I tried to defend myself with reality, "Like this happens every weekend. I made calls..."

"I'm done. I'm done." She reached the conclusion that sometimes my reasons are legitimate. That I might even have a valid point. Tonight was not going to be the night to admit this though.

"There is no way I could have done it in my apartment."

"I'm done. I'm done."

'Then hang up then!' I think. She does.

Yeah so I'm pissed and feel like I did my best yet failed again. Even when right, I'm wrong. I want a cigarette but I'm not smoking anymore. I wanted to call B but I needed to calm down first. I settle for comfort food and pulled off the freeway twice finding everything but a Carl's Jr and a double western cheeseburger. The second exit I drove around the perimeter of Disneyland and still found nothing.

Again empty handed in Anaheim.

I'm glad my past is the past.

[/dear live journal]


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