She spoke softly tonight, words skipping off a pond in silence, her voice reaching me in the resulting ripples. I kept my arms folded to distance my thoughts from becoming possible urges for my hands to act upon. To pull her body close, brush her warm skin against mine with a slight breath onto her neck as I moved in close to place my lips near her cheekbone.
Urges like that.
Words slowed to a pause before starting our goodbyes.
Staring at the faint ridges of her face, “Oh I could give you a hug. It’s not that weird for me.” I glanced downward hoping to slide off the lie.
“It's just that the hugs always led to kisses and then...”
I stepped up and gave her a hug, well aware that at one time I would’ve kissed her ear and pulled her inside the house with me. Now these thoughts just hover above us, safely out of reach.
One of us said something that started up the conversation again, this time about how long one would wait to hear their partner to say I love you. She set April as the deadline for her current situation, so typical of her black and white way of thinking.
"You have a deadline on everything?" I asked.
"Well yeah, I had a deadline on how long it was going to take for him to say we were going out officially." Three months as not to rush him, but it only took him three days she happily reported.
"So When April comes around and he doesn't say it, you're going to?"
"Yes I am."
I gave a look of disbelief at first. She must be realizing how into him she was to commit to such an act. For a girl who formulated escape plans, cover stories, and plausible deniability in case her hopes were thwarted, she had to be damn confident in a successful outcome.
She mentioned that she didn't have a set plan of attack formulated yet so I told her how I would do it as a guy in that position.
I explained the prepping would start with a slow build up of goodbyes taking a few seconds longer each week. The actual engagement would start as a standard kiss and I'll see you later as usual but as I stepped back a couple feet, I would turn back, rush up to her ear and whisper I love you. As quickly as I pounced I scatter away with a smile leaving her hopefully dumbfounded.
I demonstrated my sample attack on her.
I could've attacked.
I kept talking past the look she gave afterwards, my body discovering gravity again as I felt pulled back into my leaning position against the trunk. That knotted feeling in my stomach returned to end our conversation a few minutes later, my sample attack was taking me out internally.
"You should go."
"Oh you're kicking me out now?" She smiled knowingly.
"You need to go"
I remain attached to my car as she pulled out and waved goodbye. Out of sight I stumble in to the house hitting the garage door button before entering.
My stomach ached.
The couch and comforter welcomed me.