Oh by the way

[This is an open letter to everyone,
but NOT to the person who inspired this post]

DON'T FUCKING BITE ME.

Look at this mark just below my shoulder.

I'm not going to go into detail how or why it got there and it’s not what you think it is. Well, it is a bruise from a bite, but it's not a hickey because that would be so high school and it wasn't given out as such.

Sure I'll bite you if you’re into that I guess but I fucking hate people biting me.
I'm not turned on by it,
I'm not in to it,
I don’t like it,
Hello, it fucking hurts.

When this happen I was a little drunk and the anger was delayed, but still not drunk enough to numb the pain of teeth pressing through three layers of clothing.

At first I thought it funny/painful (vs. watching From Justin to Kelly painful), then as I stood there a few minutes later talking to this person and they were explaining something, or calling me on something, or whatever blah blah and they had no idea that soul melting heat emanating from my death stare were not from the words they spoke. To be fair I had forgotten how much of a reaction I would have and of course they had no way of knowing so I'm not mad at my friend for biting me.

A word to the wise, if you think it would be oh so funny to try this in the future, be prepared for these possible reactions:

I will yell at you
I will kick you out of the car in the middle of nowhere
I will hit you with my car if you try to get back in
I will take you off my speed dial
I will make you wait for me
I won't wait for you
I will give you dirty looks and shit

Worst of all,
I will blog about it.

So there.

Comments

  1. Anonymous9:17 AM

    Does this mean kicking is still okay?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1:30 PM

    My girlfriend is a biter, and a forceful one at that. Still, I like to fuck her feet, which I'm sure doesn't really do that much for her.
    Concessions, my friend, are a requirement in any relationship.
    (And on the plus side, sometimes the throbbing pain of an unasked for bite is enough to help delay ejaculation!)
    (Wait -- maybe that's why they do it!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't think you looked enough into why you got the bite, sir.

    Do you really think you were supposed to like it?

    Stop being so delusional.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "...it wasn't given out as such."

    Yes I understood that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "(fill in the rest of your post)"

    oh obviously you did

    ReplyDelete

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