I'm in no hurry

I feel like smoke blown into a bubble.

Traveling has wore me down, the nicotine I inserted into my brain does little to wake me from the daze that keeps music from cheering me up. I'm clinging to Swedish pop for a sugar rush but find it bland like flat soda.

At shows this week I wonder where you are in your separate world. maybe NYC, maybe along some coastline. In my fantasy life you'd been my plus one at the wedding last week. Instead while reminiscing with old friends there were the questions I don't want to answer. Outside on the country club steps I was asked why I wasn't seeing anyone.

"I'm just not." I replied.

"What do you mean? I always thought we were just like each other; always having someone in our lives. We were never alone."

I shrugged not able to explain away the last three or four years depending on how you define seeing someone.

"Really?"
"Yeah it's been a couple years."
She thought that statement false and her face showed it.
"I know! I used to be like that of course but I have gone over year not seeing anyone before, you know."
"Really?" My past history gave her no reason to believe me.
Yes really! I thought. I gave her another I don't know what to tell you shrug.
"Why not? Have you tried online dating?"
"Ha! I have enough trouble not freaking out with people I see every week sometimes, now imagine me talking to a stranger in such a put upon situation. I'm just not good at it [dating] so why bother? I over think everything and to be honest I kind of feel just not worthy of keep up my end. I don't have much to offer right now."

"What? You have job and you're not retarded [actually I believe she paid me a couple nice compliments here]". Corey already had joined us earlier and issued a statement on top of the steps that yes I am indeed more neurotic these days.

I didn't argue, "Yeah. No. I don't know."

I had this same basic conversation three times that day.



I've been waiting for someone to catch me off guard, to throw me for a loop.
someone that makes me swoon. I'm in no hurry.

That sounds like being picky but the truth is that I haven't felt really anything lately. Glimpses and deeper connections, yes - but at over a year since I'd tripped or stammered all I have is thoughts of an imaginary person right now.

guess that's better than nothing.
wait - that is nothing
.

Band: havana guns

Comments

  1. Anonymous4:53 PM

    great ending.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous5:41 PM

    I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes reading this reminds me of how much of a nothing I was. And that just sucks

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1) You were never nothing to me.

    2) I know this is more about that one wedding years ago...that was always about me and not you.

    ReplyDelete

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